The Horizontal

Your January Sexoscope

Illustration by Lea Carey

By Resident Sextrologist Francesca Piazza

December was annoying, like a holiday card with glitter: so nice that they thought of you, but cruel that the thought will cover your home and clothes for days to come.

Anyways, we hope your phone screen isn’t too cracked because January promises lots of fun picture opportunities. Capricorn season is among us, and we are all being brought back down to earth gently. Time to enjoy our food, masturbate more than once in the morning, and get our finances lined up for 2018. The Full Moon in Cancer this first week sets a nice, domestic, homemaking tone that will have us all wanting a good cinnamon candle and new fabric napkins. Saturn is finally in its home base Capricorn, where it will remain for a couple years, and millennials may finally see some lights at the end of debt tunnels. Time to pounce on opportunities and pay more attention to our Earth and how we impact it. Venus in the horny goat sign promises little to no need for getting engines going with those we love. Romance and pleasure go hand in hand as we all love our bodies a little more. 

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This month, the planets align just right for setting New Years goals. The 1st kicks off with a Pow! thanks to the Full Moon in Cancer in your fourth house, encouraging a change of living situation or maybe just some plotting for the future. As your mind continues to buzz this first week with all sorts of ideas, be sure to ground yourself back down with some good orgasms. A whole salad of planets including Mercury, ruler of the mind, enter Capricorn in your tenth house. This ideal placement encourages big changes. Work, friends, relationships and even your hobbies probably need some adjusting. But like I said, everything favors you to recognize what must be done. That includes fun physical labors… resolution to come more? The last couple of days of January promise a wave of new friend-making, the kind you can talk personally with right away. 

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

The Full Moon on the 1st of the month shines a light on education for you. What would you like to study in 2018? What do you still have to finish studying from 2017? Get researching, and you’ll be far ahead of the game. January overall is going to be about broadening your horizons and conquering new lands in all aspects of your life. What have you been *toying* with the idea of trying? Many spiritual and sexual “Ah ha!” moments can be expected if you stay extra open-minded. Bust outta that comfort zone! Grab a philosophical book for snow days — it’ll get those ninth house juices flowing with curiosity and conversation starters. If you avoid pleasure time mid-month, the planets will force you to enjoy when Mars enters your eighth house on the 27th putting you in full heat. Have fun… but don’t forget to do your taxes. It’s still Capricorn season. 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Last month was about everyone else, but now the spotlight is on you. The Full Moon the first week gets your mind reevaluating your relationship to food and money. As you start to realize that some changes need to be made for your stability, a lot of old emotions may come up. This surfacing of insecurities and fears isn’t going to feel good, but letting it all out is going to lead to a big transformation in 2018. With multiple planets in your house of death and rebirth, the eighth house, all this stirring up inside you leads to a big light at the end of the tunnel after the 16th. As you shed old skins, use the power of your orgasms to project success and release doubts. It may sound strange, but vocally expressing mantras or affirmations while peaking is one of the most powerful ways to align your mental, physical and emotional energy. “I am beautiful, I am smart, I am kind.” 

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

Full Moon, baby! That’s what you are on the 1st, as 2018 kicks off its very first day with a big mama moon in Cancer. This kind of alignment only happens once in awhile, where your emotional (lunar) new year is on actual New Year's! What is it that you want to change about the way you handle and process your feelings? What habits are holding you back? The stars are literally in your favor to change these pesky ways! The rest of the month is coated in romance, with your seventh house of relationships holding heavy planets. You're in love (even better if it’s with yourself), and you don’t care who knows it. This attitude is going to be contagious, and possibly encourage early Valentine’s activities. You are a love buggy — smooches all around! 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

You are far up in the clouds this month, Leo! Expect some super strange — and likely kinky — dreams the first week, followed by even stranger daydreams mid-month. Don’t be scared to share! Enjoying some intense fantasy with a partner is exactly the escape you need right now. Last month was a mental doozy, anyway! Your physical health demands some attention later in the month, and it’s likely you allowed yourself to put on a heftier “winter coat” this year with holiday treats. Hit the gym if you have one you like, otherwise take some time to research what new type of exercise might entice you more. You can also burn an average of 60 calories through orgasm alone, so a donut isn’t that bad if you've got the time to…

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Sassy and spunky little virgin this month! You're experiencing all sorts of feelings right off the bat, and feeling very vocal. Honestly though, it won’t be a problem for you like other signs. Embarrassment rolls off your back, and everyone thinks you're cute. Let it all out! Energies shift mid-month when splurging and future vacations are all you can think about. Treat yourself to all the little toys and gadgets you didn’t get for the holidays, but hold off on planning a trip until February just to be extra safe. Enjoy your new treasures instead, and share your reviews with friends that are likely to have an empty nightstand drawer. Quite a few people in your circle might be going through a  low-key dry spell and feel more comfortable talking to you! 

Libra (September 23- October 22)

Your mind is mainly focused on your career for January, and the beginning of the month could get a few crazy ideas stirring in your head. You may be feeling a total career change, or just starting to look at the long-term more. Either way, don’t forget to take care of yourself mentally and physically. Come back down to earth every night and enjoy yourself before bed. Drop any pressure you’re putting on yourself and know that over the next couple of months, changes are going to flow quite naturally. Stay in tune with your heart for the New Moon on the 16th when a decision has to be made fast. Keep up boundaries even if your in a long-term relationship — pressure shouldn’t be felt during intimacy. The moon highlights what you must examine more in your sex life, and how it impacts you emotionally. 

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

You are buzzing with energy as 2018 kicks off, and also in tune with your emotions. Enjoy, and make the best of this by putting yourself out there as much as possible socially. You hate small talk and lame crowds, but this month your ability to be a little more patient with the bland may lead to a few great hook-ups. Possibly even business connections. The last week of January, the planets demand you explore your sexuality a bit more. Open that door you closed with the right person or tool... something magical might happen. Time to learn, time to heal, time to try it all again. Be easy with any extra cash you make this month. Investments over splurges. Trust me on this! 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

After a whirlwind of a month in December, this month is looking very introverted for you. With a Full Moon highlighting your eighth house of death and rebirth, now is the best time to make that big change. No more BS-ing: take responsibility, but also detach from what isn’t your responsibility to fix. Along with this energy, you may be feeling extra-possessive of your partner or crush. This is super unlike you, and is definitely in line with “cuffing” season, so don’t panic. But don’t start talking about marriage and babies on the third date, even though you feel super comfortable. Stay in the moment and focus on those changes the moon brought up…

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

Happy birthday, Cappy baby! And congratulations: this year is going to be phenomenal for you with so many planets in your sign. The Full Moon at the beginning of the month highlights your romantic relationship, and specifically what you want out of it right now. Are you getting it? Are you holding back at all? Are you having enough pleasure? Think about it all — the answers will present themselves clearly, along with solutions. Venus in your sign right now is encouraging you to also love yourself a lot more. Get back to your roots and treat yourself to some new clothes that make you feel sexy,  if possible. The more you love yourself, the more this energy will draw all sorts of treats and rewards into your life. You deserve this year of luck, prosperity and self-healing!

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

2018 starts off shining a light on your physical health, and any habits that are impacting it right now. Whether you’ve picked up some good ones or some bad ones, now is the time to set your intentions for self-care this year. Schedules aren’t your thing, especially when it comes to the fun stuff. However, setting specific goals for numbers — number of times you should be getting to the gym every week, number of sweets per day, number of orgasms per hour, for example — will prevent you from falling way behind. The planets stir up some aggressive energy within you later in the month, which is rare and uncomfortable for you to say the least. No need to start fights. Take this vibe right to the bedroom and let it out physically and vocally. Anyone lucky enough to witness you in heat like this surely will be revisiting the moment later in their daydreams…

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

The Full Moon may make you a bit crazy the first couple days of 2018, as you feel extra confident, but also quite confused. You want what you want, but aren’t exactly sure what you want, after you demand what you want. Simmer down and take a hot bath. Self-pleasure may be more successful than with a partner for now. Don’t take it personally or too seriously. The planets will be giving you more direction mid-month as you hop into the Capricorn vibe. Money stays on your mind, and this leads to attracting quite a bit of abundance as January ends. Enjoy your cash stash, big mama! And treat your crush to a fancy meal. Wine and dine 'em, and top the night off with your favorite dessert (position). Pay attention to position changes at work right now — doors may be opening up that require observation for personal opportunities. Everyone is just a little too caught up in themselves to make the connection for you! 

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