Your August Sexoscopes

By Resident Sextrologist, Francesca Piazza

It's the dog days of summer, but we’re feeling more like playful cats right meow. The August heat is just what we need to come back into our bodies after the emotional whirlwind of July. We all went through so many changes, and looking back may have even more feelings coming up. The real kicker is we still aren’t as horny as we should be thanks to Mars. Keep trucking through, and enjoy everything else about summer that isn’t sexy until the end of the month. Childlike fun is key to recovery from everything we have been through, and bubbles and glitter help adults feel better too. Avoid contracts and big purchases, as fine print is most deceiving now due to Mercury retrograde. As much as this month is heavy on recovery, and not exactly what you want to hear from your Sextrologist, come the end of the month Mars finally plugs back in and we’re more turned on than ever. Our body keeps score, and until we heal and release, orgasms just aren’t what they should be. So play and giggle with your buds under the summer sun, and have something lacey and racy for the last weekend.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

There is a good chance that if you are in a relationship, by this point in the summer you are walking on eggshells. Whatever put you in the dog house in July can easily be healed this month, and you’ll finally get lucky. However, this requires you grounding back down to earth, and putting a halt to the the melodrama the Leo sun might be encouraging. The new moon on the 11th gets your creative juices percolating, giving a hint at what could be your big fall project. Your ruling planet Mars finally goes direct right after the full moon and you’re finally horny again. Don’t fear the orgasm reaper again. Mars retro can hit you hardest and this won’t happen again for awhile. If it didn’t affect you, props to you, kinky queen.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You are really good at being pushy, yet the first couple of weeks this push isn’t for pleasure…why? Drop the need to keep driving your energy into something that might just be dead. Just because the idea isn’t working, doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Let it go, and get down to the real business. Oral sex is likely your jam anyway, but these August moons are extra ideal for tongue incorporation. Also, try a massage. Muscle holds memory, and all this letting go might need a nudge. The full moon has you suddenly getting the urge to squeeze in one more adventure, one more trip, one more outdoor fancy meal before the Leo energy is completely gone. Go for it, but leave your credit card at home and just take cash. Limit yourself financially and get down in nature.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Venus dances through your 5th house this Leo season, and all I have to say is good for you, we’re ALL jealous. Kidding, but you’re definitely hitting the romance jackpot this month. Get wined and dined and eaten up later. You are the cream of the crop this early harvest season, and are riding smooth through this Mercury retrograde. Hold off on domestic changes or signing contracts until the end of the month though! Catching feelings during this romance novel-like month is totally okay. If they aren’t into you anymore in September, you’ll have lost interest weeks before anyways. Don’t forget your friends though, share the news and details — don’t be stingy. Toss your water sign friends a bone!

 

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This month the retrogrades are doing you a big old favor after the emotional overdrive of your birthday month. Everyone else gets to enjoy their birthdays, but you, moon baby, always seem to get the energetic shaft in the summer. If the eclipses shook you, just chill this month. Venus in your 4th house has you focused on the home, and likely only interested in having sex at your place. Flow with YOU, recover, and masturbate if this means getting out less. You’ll get all regretful come September if you don’t savor these sunny weeks of August. A focus on healing and pampering could be just what you need come the Mars direct to get your body kickstarted again. Feeling good in your skin is usually the first step for a Cancer coming out of it’s shell.

 

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You are all about clearing the air this birthday season. Any tension, awkward moments, or forgiveness needed is getting shouted out (possibly publicly) by you this month. Who cares? Go for it! it’s your birthday and if you want to “just deal with it,” before you tack on another year I think that’s great. Shake ‘n shout, and get your nails done after. Romantically however, you may be feeling a little mistreated by your partner. Did they forget the big day? Try not to freak, as this retrograde season is hitting others pretty hard. Mistakes, and forgotten praise can GENUINELY be an accident. Pushing people even further will have you bummed come the full moon and during Mars direct at the end of the month when you’re suddenly scarily horny. Have a charged toy ready either way.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Patience, patience, patience this month Virgo...particularly when it comes to pleasure. Why are you rushing everything including the good stuff? Come back down to earth — the ground is nice and comfy! Recharge, do you, eat a salad. Mercury going direct (your ruling planet) on the 20th is a huge sigh of relief and everybody won’t be agitating you so much anymore. Thank goodness, because your friends were probably just about to call out your BS! Everything, especially when it comes to connection, is smooth sailing again. A little forgiving and forgetting may be in order in your partnership. The sun enters your sign just before the full moon and the energy of the last week is fun, fun, fun. Party it up early, and dance off all the ending summer scaries.

 

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Keep letting go of what isn’t working, what no longer serves you, and what is hurting your feelings. These eclipses and retrogrades are helping you clear house of all sorts of bad stuff, and the layers of old crap are being shed to reveal the old you. The middle of the month this focus shifts to your home and family, and what needs to be healed here. Not very sexy to say the least, but hey who said I was done with predicting this month? After the 24th the planets shift in your sexual favor and you find yourself very horny, very randomly. Plan accordingly, and do not suppress this. Flow with the moon, and put intention into every orgasm. September is only going to get even more fun, so buy red and revealing clothes in-between all your O’s as August wraps up. Jealousy always gets directed when energy like this is being experienced, ward it off with an evil eye talisman.

 

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Finally, some shifts in your favor my sister friend. Jupiter, the planet of luck, is back in your sign and more direct than ever. Cash, praise, and incredible hand-me-downs all seem to be falling on your doorstep. Also, if your partner was slacking, they aren’t anymore. The generosity may be overwhelming to you, but discarding it will only hurt you. Self destruction is so spring! Let yourself be loved and spend all the money. Get to know yourself a little better and spend some of your relaxing time curled up with a sexy book. Exploring and exposing yourself to new ideas will give you new ideas in the bedroom. A deeper sense of purpose at work brings an overall feeling of comfort in your life. Strange enough, this lighter energy to you might feel threatening to co-workers and friends. Deflect any jealousy and know that I told you it has NOTHING to do with something you did, buy an evil eye talisman like your Libra friends.

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Your one of the only weirdos that loves the summer eclipses and thrives through bizarre and unexpected changes. So welcome to the boring month that we are all recovering in! You’re just sitting here like…now what? Take this need for spice out on your partner in the bedroom and get in as many romps as possible in between the new and full moon. As the planets shift direct more, you are finally feeling your artistic and creative energy bubbling again. Plot and plan before initiating anything, and hold off on presenting new ideas to others until after the 26th if possible. Overall, you are very focused on shifting up your finances, and how money impacts your romantic life. Are you always footing this bill? This could become more and more of a turn off as fall comes around. Address money woes with your partner now to prevent a bigger wedge forming. You know better than anybody else money ain’t shit – and certainly the last thing you’re going to let kill love.

 

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

The days are long and the temperature is hot. You are bored out of your skull, ice queen, and putting all your focus on work, as you should be. The planets want you to finish tying up loose ends. However the amount of flack you are receiving from friends and family for staying at the office is enough to make you rent an Air B&B on the other side of the world and unplug your phone. Who says you can’t unplug at work? How much did you just love hearing that? Nobody gets to tell you how to relax, ever! Just don’t forget your lover, you’re going to need them when Mars finally goes direct in your sign at the end of the month. Bing bang boom — you’re going to be horny...don’t act all surprised by yourself. Get naked and say what you want — no need to do an exotic mating dance if your already good to go. Less talking, more touching! You have to get back to work, anyway.

 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Breathe and release control over what isn’t working anymore. You likely feel like you have been running against the wind lately, so turn around and run with it! What a relief! Easier said than done I know. Buddhist books help. A big shift needed in your romantic life becomes apparent between the new moon and full moon this month, and a change that may have been avoided this winter becomes more needed than ever. In fact, it may happen without you — which could be scarier. Be proactive and act on changes needed in your relationship instead of beating around the bush, as that could be a real root to the overall problem. The planets shifting direct along with the full moon energy calms down the last couple of days of August, and the light is clear and the weight is finally lifting off you. That wasn’t so bad was it? Finally, time to have sex.

 

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

This August is all about nourishing YOU. Treat your mind, body, and spirit well in order to process all of the feels that were in July. Where does your mind wander during the work day? Italy? Central Park? Your favorite ice cream spot? Go. Feeding yourself everything that feels good is going to reset your whole being this month, but the work is up to you. The usual strange retrograde dreams may be plaguing you again but pay them no attention, they’re just part of the cleansing you are doing. Similar to all prior horoscopes here, expect the horniness to finally kick back in end of month. You’ll be sleepy, however, but what’s better than a whole day in bed spent sleeping and sexing in between naps? Don’t turn down a day date due to lack of energy!

 

Eva II by Dame