Illustration by Anja Slibar
by Tris Mamone
Before she came out as a trans woman, Emily briefly mentioned to her wife Libby that she had āa fascination with femininity.ā Libby replied, āWell, I could never be married to a woman.ā It sent a clear message to Emily: She would have to stay in the closet in order to stay married.
āWhat I didn't account for was that while I kept changing,ā Emily says, āLibby did, too. She was not a static point in my memory, and her views on things would shift and warp with time.ā By the time Emily was ready to come out, āI knew that even if our marriage didn't survive, our friendship would. That was huge for me. I couldn't imagine a life without her in it in some capacity.āĀ
Even so, Libby was still āshell-shockedā when Emily finally came out. āI was sure that my life was over,ā Libby says. āWhich it was, in a way. But what the emotion of the moment overwhelmed was the reality that there are so many times in our life when the life that we know ends and a new one, maybe even a better one, begins.ā Thirty-six hours later, Libby realized Emily was the same person she fell in love with when they were both 18, and now the couple, both 38, have been married for 16 years.
āThat person hadn't changed,ā Libby says of Emily. āNot really. And from that point on, I was on board, even as I knew the weeks and months and years to come would be a roller-coaster of conflicting emotions.ā
It used to be assumed that coming out as queer or trans to a longterm partner was an automatic death sentence for the relationship. A 2007 study found that two-thirds of marriages ended within two years of a spouseās coming out as LGBTQ. The 2015 US Transgender Survey from the National Center for Transgender Equality found that 10% of participants reported relationships ending after coming out, particularly for trans women ages 44 and up.
āItās the same person. Itās a different shell. Itās a different presentation, but it's the same inside.ā
Fortunately, things are changing. Dancing with the Stars champion Julianne Hough recently told Womenās Health that her marriage to NHL star Brooks Laich has grown stronger since she told him sheās ānot straight.ā And New York Times columnist Jennifer Finney Boylan is still married to her wife of 31 years: ā12 years as husband and wife, 19 as wife and wife.ā
āStill All Of These Pieces That I Loveā
I spoke with my friends Maddy, 42, and Julie, 54, at a St. Louis convention last month about how their marriage survived Maddyās coming out as transgender. Maddy was so sure Julie was going to file for a divorce after coming out that she had a storage locker already filled with her most prized possessions. Fortunately Julie stayed, and the Minnesota couple has now been married for 23 years.
Julie says having their son Drake come out as trans, shortly before Maddy did, made it easier. āI already had to process the fact that, āNo, this is the person that I love,āā she told me. āItās the same person. Itās a different shell. Itās a different presentation, but it's the same inside.ā
They said that not only did the relationship survive Maddyās coming out, it also grew stronger. āI donāt know if it's because Iām a different person,ā said Maddy, or āif itās because Iām just more honest with myself and so Iām happier with myself, and I donāt feel like Iām hiding things.ā
āBut youāre not really a different person,ā Julie interjected. āI mean, youāre still Maddy inside. You still tell horrible puns, and youāre still a science nerd, and youāre still all of these pieces that I love.ā
āJust Pick a Sideā
My friend Ollie, 29, tells me over Facebook Messenger about the first time a girl asked them out. āShe said if we were going to date I had to choose if I liked girls or boys,ā Ollie says. āIt couldnāt be both or sheād be nervous that Iād leave her for a boy.ā Ollieās experience is not unique; to this day thereās a common myth that bisexuals cannot be faithful, and that they will eventually leave their current partner for someone of a different gender. Even my first boyfriendāthe first man I dated shortly after coming out as bisexualāonce told me he was going to āend [my] addiction to pussy.ā
Last year several bisexual women shared their stories on a Reddit thread of what happened when they came out to their partners, and the stories are varied. While most of them were positive, some reported having to deal with jealous boyfriends. āMy ex banned me from having any friends at all because of my bi/pansexuality,ā said one woman. āHe was abusive, and I stopped seeing all of them because he would beat me up.ā
Fortunately Ollieās current partner Matt was perfectly fine with their sexual orientation. Their gender identity, though, was a different story. āWe almost broke up but it wasnāt nasty,ā says Ollie, who identifies as non-binary. āHeās attracted to women so I didnāt really blame him. But he really loves me so he ended up being supportive in the end even though he didnāt totally understand.ā
"This time, we're both entering the relationship as the most genuine versions of ourselves.ā
Unfortunately, some relationships do end when a partner comes out as trans because a cis partner is only attracted to one gender, and their trans partner is not that gender. And there are still some people in heterosexual relationships who arenāt able to admit, either to themselves or to their partners, that theyāre queer. Thankfully, those examples are becoming more rare as peopleās ideas of gender identity and sexual orientation expand, and as it becomes less socially and economically necessary to stay in the closet.
āAn Honest Foundationā
Libby and Emily say their relationship after Emily came out was like starting a new relationship. āAnd like all new relationships, there are some bumps in the road as we get used to each other and negotiate how to move through life together,ā Libby says. But their new relationship is built on a rock-solid foundation that our old relationship could never compare to. "Because this time, we're both entering it as the most genuine versions of ourselves that we've been to date.ā
When one of the people in a partnership is ājust an approximation of themselves,ā Emily says, āit will never be as strong as when you're both the people you actually are."
āSo much of marriage is having an honest foundation,ā Emily adds, āto the degree that after I came out to myself, I knew I had to tell Libby as soon as I possibly could, because I didn't want her to be married to a lie.ā Thatās not to say their marriage in general was a lie, Emily clarifies, but that her life pre-transitioning was a lie. āBeing considerate, being helpful, being loving, being understanding toward each other,ā she says, āis easier now because weāre both on honest and equal footing.ā
Julie now constantly explains their relationship to people, which has also made their marriage stronger. Some people ask why Julie and Maddy are still together, while others ask if Maddy has had āthe surgeryā yet. āI didnāt realize at the time what I was asking her to do,ā Maddy says. āAnd I donāt think you realized at the time. You maybe had more of an inkling than I did.ā
āBreatheā
When asked for advice to trans or queer people coming out to their spouses, Maddy says they should be ready to let the other person go if they so choose to. āGive them the agency to make that decision,ā she says, āand the understanding that you're changing a really base dynamic of that relationship, and that may not be what they signed up for.ā That way, āeven if you break up, you can still remain really good friends.ā
Emily agrees. A breakup āmight seem devastating in the moment, but finding a way to preserve your connection in any form can be so powerful. Trust in yourself, and trust in your partner, and see where it all goes.ā
For people who are just finding out their spouse is a different gender or sexual orientation than they identified as previously, Libby says, āBreathe. Both of your feelings are valid and understandable. Build yourself a support system as soon as you possible can, from trusted people or strangers who can see the issues clearly but have a gentle enough heart to not blame your partner for what they're going through. Look for LGBTQ+ resources in your area or online. But mostly, breathe. You will survive this.ā
Tris Mamone is a freelance writer who specializes in LGBTQ issues. Their work has appeared in such publications as Rewire.News, HuffPost, Splice Today, and The Daily Beast, among others.