Fantasy & Role Play 101

TW/CW: Explicit sexual scenes described Fantasy and role play are such a unique and marvelous part of being an adult in this crazy world. Too often we’re shackled by society and its “moral” model of sexuality, hearing voices that tell you:You are broken. If you want anything outside of missionary-style, penetrative intercourse in a heterosexual relationship, you are a sick deviant!!!! Obviously, that’s not true. Wanna hear a cute fantasy I have? Sometimes when I’m getting down and dirty with my favorite vibe (Fin, obvs), I like to imagine that I’m being pounded by a hot blonde guy while a group of my ex’s are locked in cages, forced to watch. A classic cuckolding situation, only with many cuckolds. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she? Whatever your reaction to the above description might be, I promise I am a perfectly healthy and sexually liberated woman. I simply have a rich fantasy life … and that’s a good thing. And guess what? So do you! You just have to unlock it. Perhaps you’re concerned about some dark bullshit you’ve been thinking about lately, or maybe you don’t fantasize much (or at all) but want to – either way, we have the goods right here. We just have to be brave enough to examine them and get to know them. Here is a complete beginner’s guide to fantasy and roleplaying (RPing).

What is fantasy?

Perhaps a better question is: Are my fantasies normal?? The short answer: Yes. A fantasy is just a collection of thoughts, a product of your imagination. Our brains have infinite potential for concocting scenes. We can think of the most elaborate scenarios, ones that can both elate and terrify us. The mind is a wild, untethered mess of our thoughts, feelings, images we’ve seen, and on and on and on. Rational thinking rarely reigns supreme when we’re fantasizing. When it comes to sex, everything you think about is normal. It may seem that what turns you on is strange, or it may not. It depends on who you are. Some people are excited by vanilla, missionary sex in their bedroom – and that’s fine. But some people get turned on by thinking about getting gangbanged. Some of us daydream about being tied up and spanked by a partner. Some of us imagine a ravishment scenario a la Pirates of the Caribbean. What turns you on in your imagination may not equate with what you want to do in the real world. I mean, 46 percent of women fantasize about someone other than their partner. Normal, normal, all normal. Just because you think about being double penetrated while you’re masturbating does not mean you necessarily want that in real life. Maybe you do. Either way, it’s normal. Yes, fantasies can get even darker than the examples listed. No, they still aren’t weird or abnormal. Not only do we all have quirks, we all have twisted minds and dark thoughts. Think about it: Someone has to write all those fucked-up shows you see on television. Someone had to think about those things.

What is role play?

Where do fantasy and satisfaction intersect? In roleplay! This is when you decide to make one of these imaginary scenarios come somewhat closer to reality. If you want to act out a fantasy, you can do so. Yay! In truth, it’s just playing pretend. As long as you’re not acting on anything illegal or particularly dangerous, and everyone in the scenario is a consenting adult and up front about their desires, you do your thing. No harm, no foul. There are a million different ways to role play. You just have to find what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to participate, as long as you’re being safe and conscientious of everything and everyone around you.

How do you pinpoint your fantasies?

If you’re not quite sure what it is that turns you on currently, or what could potentially turn you on, that’s normal too! Perhaps your fantasies aren’t quite narrowed down. One minute you’re thinking about an ex, the next you’re thinking about hooking up with a celebrity, then you’re imagining your dream wedding, then you’re in a threesome with someone totally inappropriate as the third person, and then a bit of nothing, and then a threesome again. Or it might be some mish-mashed, confusing patchwork and you’re not even sure what the whole thing means and why it turns you on. So, pinpoint those suckers. The first thing to do is identify a common theme or feeling. What is the thing that turns you on, the exact image? It helps to view or read erotic material. Watch some porn, read erotica, listen to a sexy audio book. This will help you narrow down what works for you and what doesn’t. Once you have a clear idea of a scene that gets you going, you can bring your partner in on the fun.

How do you tell your partner about your fantasy?

An awkward part of this fantasy discovery can be the part where you talk to your partner about it. If you don’t want to share a fantasy, that’s totally OK. Sometimes you want to keep something special for yourself. But, if you want to act out a fantasy via role play, you have to have a chat. There are lots of ways to talk about fantasy with your partner. You might want to broach the subject slowly and carefully, but trust me. Most of the time they will be very into it. Hearing what turns a partner on can be extremely erotic. Ask your partner what turns them on, too. What do they think about? What could the two of you do to spice things up? You must be empathic to your partner’s desires as well.

The first time: how to get started.

Remember the suggestion to watch porn? You can also do that with your partner! This is a great way to gather inspiration or figure out a way to act out a scene that turns you both on. Next, try dirty talk (read this guide if you need help with it!). Talk about the scene you liked while you’re fooling around. Try it on for size. Categorize how you feel about it. This will help you determine what works and what doesn’t. It can be uncomfortable to plunge right into RPing. A less threatening way to dip your toes into the water may be trying it out via text message or during phone sex. In fact, I have a friend who has built a lively (and exciting!) RP world with her partner. They reserve it for when one of them is on the road and only available through text or phone. They’ve never assumed their roleplaying characters in real life, but they’ve developed intricate “canon characters” (characters who only exist in their fantasy world) who go at it like rabbits in bizarre but exciting scenarios. When you’re ready to go for a roleplay scenario and try out your best dramatic impressions, start with something simple. Perhaps your partner is a handyperson who’s to come to fix the sink. Or maybe you’re a police officer and your partner is a robber; you try to stop them from stealing, but become overwhelmed by your passion for each other. Or you’re a high school senior on your first date, but you ditch your date when they’re in the bathroom, and you hook up with the bartender instead. It doesn’t matter whether you’re acting OOC (out of character) in your fantasy, or you’re playing your “own character” in a sexy scenario. Whatever it is, start simple and easy, with whatever fantasy turns you (and your partner) on. You really, really enjoyed it? There’s no reason you should stop.

How to make roleplaying a regular part of your sex life.

Many people love playing dress-up during role play. Some simply comb their hair differently or change their makeup. Some go further with costumes, which can range from simple “schoolgirl” or “businessman” outfits, to French maid uniforms, carpenter’s tool belts and wigs. There’s nothing “wrong” with whatever you want to do; just use your imagination and enjoy the play. Another way to mix things up is by changing locations. One of the classic roleplays is picking up a stranger in a bar, but you don’t have to get that realistic if it makes you or your partner uncomfortable. A local park or even your backyard patio can work just as well. If you really get into being a roleplayer during sexytime, have fun with it. Invent an original character with a complete backstory that explains the character’s actions – and don’t forget a roleplayer character creation for your partner, too. Just think of yourself as a game master who gives their creation the ability to improvise once the game is underway. One word of warning, though: roleplaying can occasionally get out of hand. Be sure you and your partner have set up a safe word that either of you can use if the scenario gets out of control or uncomfortable. Remember, whatever sexual games you’re trying, you’re not the first person to have done it. Also remember that if something unexpected happens during your RPG, (role playing games), it’s OK to LOL. Roleplaying games can be sexy, but that’s no reason we should take ourselves too seriously. It’s just a game, after all!