By Gigi Engle
TW/CW: Explicit sexual scenes described
Fantasy and role play are such a unique and marvelous part of being in this crazy world. Too often we’re thrown down by society, flushed with a “moral model” of sexuality. You are broken. If you want anything outside of missionary-style, penetrative intercourse in a heterosexual relationship, you are a sick deviant!!!!
Obviously, that’s not true. Wanna hear a cute fantasy I have?
Sometimes when I’m getting down and dirty with my favorite vibe (Fin, obvs), I like to imagine that I’m being pounded by a hot blonde man while a group of my ex’s are locked in cages, forced to watch. A classic cuckolding situation, only with many cuckolds.
Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?
Whatever your reaction to the above might be, I promise I am a perfectly healthy and sexually liberated woman. I simply have a rich fantasy life … and that’s a good thing.
And guess what? So do you! You just have to unlock it. Perhaps you’re concerned about some dark bullshit you’ve been thinking about lately, or maybe you don’t fantasize much (or at all) and want to — either way, we have the goods right here.
Here is a complete, 101 guide to fantasy and role play.
What is fantasy?
And are mine normal?? The short answer: Yes. A fantasy is just a collection of thoughts, of imagination.
Our brains have infinite potential for concocting scenes. We can think of the most elaborate scenarios, ones that can both elate and terrify us. The mind is a wild, untethered mess of our thoughts, feelings, images we’ve seen, and on and on and on. Rational thinking rarely reigns supreme when we’re fantasizing.
When it comes to sex, everything you think about is normal. It may seem like what turns you on is strange, or it may not. It depends on who you are.
Some people get turned on by thinking about getting gangbanged. Some of us daydream about being tied up and spanked by a partner. Some of us imagine a ravishment scenario a la Pirates of the Caribbean. What turns you on in your imagination may not equate with what you want to do in real life. I mean, 46 percent of women fantasize about someone other than their partner. Normal, normal, all normal.
Just because you think about being double penetrated while you’re masturbating does not mean you necessarily want that in real life. Maybe you do. Either way, it’s normal.
Yes, fantasies can get even darker than the examples listed. No, they still aren’t weird or abnormal. We all have twisted minds and dark thoughts. Think about it: Someone has to write all those fucked up shows you see on television. Someone had to think about those things.
What is role play?
Where do fantasy and role play intersect? In roleplay! This is when you decide to make one of these imaginary scenarios a (somewhat) reality. If you want to act out a fantasy, you can do so. Yay!
It’s just playing pretend. As long as you’re not acting on anything illegal or particularly dangerous, and everyone in the scenario is a consenting adult, you do your thing.
There are a million different ways to role play, you just have to find what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to participate, as long as you’re being safe and conscientious of everything and everyone around you.
How do you pinpoint your fantasies?
If you’re not quite sure what it is that turns you on currently or what could potentially turn you on, that’s, again, normal!
Perhaps your fantasies aren’t quite narrowed down. One minute you’re thinking about an ex, the next you’re thinking about hooking up with a celebrity, then you’re imagining your dream wedding, then you’re in a threesome, and then a bit of nothing, and then a threesome again.
Or it might be some mish-mashed, confusing patchwork and you’re not even sure what it is or why it turns you on.
So, pinpoint those suckers. The first thing to do is identify a common theme or feeling. What is thing that turns you on, the exact image? It helps to view or read erotic material. Watch some porn, read erotica, listen to a sexy audio book. This will help you narrow down what works for you.
Once you have a clear idea of a scene that gets you going, you can bring your partner in on the fun.
How do you tell your partner about your fantasy?
An awkward part of all this fantasy discovery can be the part where you talk to your partner about it. If you don’t want to share a fantasy, that’s totally OK. Sometimes you want to keep something special for yourself.
But, if you want to act out a fantasy a la role play, you have to have a chat. There are lots of ways to talk about fantasy with your partner. Trust me, most of the time they will be very into it. Hearing what turns a partner on can be extremely erotic.
Ask your partner what turns them on, too. What do they think about? What could the two of you do to spice things up? You must be empathic to your partner’s desires as well.
How to get started.
Remember the suggestion to watch porn? You can also do that with your partner! This is a great way to gather inspiration or figure out a way to act out a scene that turns you both on.
Next, try dirty talk (read this guide if you need help with it!). Talk about the scene you liked while you’re fooling around. Try it on for size. Categorize how you feel about it. This will help you determine what works and what doesn’t.
When you’re ready to try a roleplay scenario and put on your best dramatic impressions, start with something simple. Perhaps your partner is a handyperson who has come to fix the sink. Or, maybe you’re a police officer and your partner is a robber. You try to stop them from stealing, but become overwhelmed by your passion for each other.
Whatever it is, keep it easy. Remember, it’s OK to laugh. Role play can be sexy, but also silly, especially when it’s new. Don’t take ourselves too seriously. It’s just a game, after all!
Gigi Engle is a certified sex coach, educator, and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.