Losing Insecurities in the Bedroom

by Brooklyn Mullen

Not many of us can say we are fully comfortable and confident in our bodies sans clothes. Not only are there body image issues, there are a multitude of other insecurities we may carry into the bedroom. Here are some tips to shed those insecurities– like we shed our clothes– when it’s time to get down and dirty.

Talk Less

Less is more is more is less. Try not to share your insecurities with the person(s) you’re sleeping with. I realize how hard this is but just don’t say it. If you think there is a part of you that is physically flawed or that makes you uncomfortable, don’t draw attention to it because chances are they didn’t even notice.

Dim the lights please. Most people prefer the lights off during coitus; this ensures less of your body will be visible. That’s great and all but I think a major part of sex and attraction is seeing the other person’s body, no? The sexiest lighting ever on the face of the earth are those christmas tree strands of light that every hipster and their mother, brother, sisters and cousin have hanging on their headboards and strewn about their rooms. This soft, warm light lends just enough glow to make your body visible, without exposing your “flaws.”

But if you really want to feel good in your skin, start off by wearing your favorite undergarments. I’m not exclusively referring to lingerie; simply put on whatever makes you feel the most confident and cool (mine are my chonies with the red snakes on em). This way you feel your best when your partner(s) start taking them off.

This soft, warm light lends just enough glow to make your body visible, without exposing your “flaws.”

Rest assured that they find you attractive. If they didn’t, they probably wouldn’t be in getting it on with ya; the confidence in this *fact* will only make you sexier.

Not Good Enough or Inexperienced

Mediocre sex is better than no sex right? This is my biggest insecurity in the bedroom. I always fear that they can tell I don’t know as much as the last person they hooked up with, or I’m just not as good. I wish they would simply take control so that they don’t notice I absolutely don’t know how to lead this situation.

Mediocre sex is better than no sex right?

A quick fix: practice, practice, practice. Get out there, get around, sleep with everybody if you want to. Figure out what to do and how you like to do it. And the best form of practice is the solo sort– aka masturbation. Self-stimulation is a sure fire way to figure out what your body likes, thus helping you communicate better to your partner(s).

Add music into the mix. According to Malcolm Ritter at NBC news, “music makes the brain release a chemical that gives pleasure,” the same way that sex does. Thus it only makes sense that when we combine the two, things are more contented. If you put on a playlist jam-packed with your favorite songs, you will not only put yourself and your partner even further in the mood, but you are more likely to be relaxed and worried less about your insecurities. Be more in the moment, and less in your head.

STIs 

Many people feel embarrassed over STIs as though they are sullied. However, STIs are incredibly common. According to The American Health Association, “one in two sexually active persons will contract an STI by age 25.” The trickiest part is informing your partners of your STI status. While this is the most daunting and shame inducing part, it is imperative. There are dating sites dedicated to persons with STIs and there are also plenty of ways to enjoy each other sexually without transmitting said STIs. Most people do not care so long as you are communicative and use protection.

Condoms are always one’s best bet for protecting against STIs. Therapist and author of In Search of Aphrodite and Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty, Chelsea Wakefield, tells us that “an unwillingness to engage in a conversation about this means they are not sexually responsible. That also can mean that this person is likely a carrier of something and they care more about their immediate pleasure than about you or your sexual health.”

“an unwillingness to engage in a conversation about this means they are not sexually responsible." 

Far too many men try to slide by without using a condom and it can be really difficult or cumbersome for the other person to insist against this resistance. Most of us have fallen victim once or twice to unprotected sex solely out of fear of potential awkwardness. Do not feel insecure about desiring safe sex; this want should make you the more desirable option. So, assert yourself for the sake of your own well-being. “Be an ethical sexual being, and value yourself enough to insist that others are too,” contends Wakefield.

 

Brooklyn aka Bobbi is a California native living in the Tri-state area and is our editorial intern here at Dame.